Tsup?
Yo Pallys,
It seems every choice I make brings me more loneliness.
I've plotted a solitary path time and again, and stayed true to the course of this chosen lonely existence. There's the long distance marriage and the writing. No matter how much writers, reporters, editors try to collaborate or share space, in the end we always go it alone. Every person is alone inside her own head. Being alone in the chest, in the heart, is where it starts to hurt.
It's not like I've ever decided I wanted to be alone. Well, ok. There have been times. When I get angry or determined and figure I should damnwell be independent. But it isn't really like that informed my career choice, or like I ever made some conscious determination that being single and unavailable would somehow build character. I do these crazy things that would seem blatantly self-alienating without ever really considering the consequences until, here I am. Married and alone. One of the least social people in a less-than social post-sec program. Ending conversations. Ending associations. Starving friendships.
I can't deny that I do these things. It just seems like once I get here, I still feel ripped off. While the choices I made led me to solitude, and predictably, that's not why I became this person. I just... am. Do you ever notice those things in yourself? The things you do, that you recognize as self-destructive or anti-productive, but that you just can't help but accept in yourself? Like, that's just who I am. And I'm resigned. And maybe I won't be this way forever, but maybe my past dictates I will. Maybe it is me. There are only so many coincidences.
So do I do this to myself? Probably. But that's like saying I make myself tired by running. I don't run to get tired. It's an inevitable side-effect, and sure, I should have seen it coming. One could even argue I ought to have been better prepared for it. What would you honestly have me do? Give up running? Give up writing? Give up the love of my life? Well, fuck you too. I can beat myself up if I want to. Get in my way and I'll hurt you while I'm at it. (And this is why I don't have friends...)
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